In my experience? Yes.
Military Spouse Magazine has an article on maintaining friendships featured on their site today and it makes some interesting points I could relate to.
When you go through a deployment, you find out who your real friends are.
Before Cliff deployed, we had two sets of “couple” friends that we did just about everything with. But after he deployed, those get-togethers slowed down significantly. Part of it was me – it was hard being the third wheel. Part of it was them – they were busy, their lives hadn’t really changed.
If there was one thing that I wish I had known before the deployment, it would be that there are different levels of friendship and the level you think someone may be at, may be a totally different one and you shouldn’t assume anything. If I had known that, I might have been a little more accepting of what happened. Just like I worked on getting all of our paperwork together and the house ready and the cars ready before Cliff left and talked to our son to prepare him for what to expect while his daddy would be gone, I would have prepared myself for what to possibly expect when it came to our friends. But because we considered these couples our closest friends, I just assumed they would be there for both of us. Yes there were phone calls to see how I was doing, but in the ten months that Cliff was gone, there were fewer than a handful of emails to him, and never any offers to send care packages. And while I was as honest as I could be with my friends about the struggles to cook dinner for me and my son, and the loneliness I felt so much of the time, there were also never any invitations to come over for dinner.
Looking back in hindsight, like this article points out, I think our friends just assumed I was always busy, or that I was doing things with my “military friends” who I had met through Wives of Faith, or that other people had invited me to do something.
I think I probably should have been more insistent when it came to our friendships and made more of an effort myself to be a friend. But deployments take a lot of energy; if you’ve been through one, you know what I’m talking about. It can be hard to add “don’t lose your friends” to the already enormous list of day to day to-do stuff. Your emotions are already on thin ice; you’re already fighting to keep your marriage strong, to keep your children and family strong; to keep the house and the car and the yard and everything else now your responsibility strong. To have to worry about keeping your friendships strong may just be the proverbial straw.
I’ve heard from many ladies about how they find out who their real friends are when they go through deployment. In my case, I actually made new ones. My neighbor across the street was an incredible support; another mom I knew through Caleb’s class ended up becoming a good friend and now our family goes to the same church they do. And of course the women I hung out with through WoF who were also all going through deployments. Even though many of them have now moved away, there’s a special bond there that won’t be forgotten.
I think about my old friends sometimes and wonder how they’re doing. But as my husband and I’ve discussed, things have changed, at least with us. We’re not the same people we were before the deployment. And I don’t think we’ll ever go back to being the same. With another deployment tentatively scheduled for two years from now, life for us looks different compared to five years ago. What might have been important before doesn’t have the same importance now. I look at my husband’s military service differently than I did before. I look at our family differently than I did before. And I look at friends differently.
If you’re a reservist or NG wife, I’d love to hear how you’ve handled friendships during deployment. Has it been easy? Hard? Have you kept the same friends or lost some? Have you made new ones? Have your views of friendship changed since going through a deployment?
Comment below and share your thoughts!
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Although we’re active duty, I’ve still definitely encountered this problem, sadly amoung family as well, which has been supremely disappointing. With friends, some fell off the planet when my husband deployed. I think it was just too hard for them to call and to know what to say, etc…so when my girlfriends have gone out of their way to call, or to come to visit, I cherish it all the more knowing the effort it takes. For some reason, I think people just assume we’re pros at this since we do it all the time. Little do they know!!!!!
I really enjoyed reading this post. When my husband was in the Air Force and deployed I found myself very alone even amongst friends and family. No one around me knew what it meant to be away from their spouse for more than a few days, much less in a war zone, so they wanted me to act as if everything was OK when it wasn’t. I’ve heard that a lot from other military wives. It can be extremely disheartening!! It was one of the toughest times in my life, but I believe it grew me into who I am today. I think it prepared me for what lied ahead as my husband later became a pastor and, now, a chaplain in the Army.
Sometimes people just seem to steer away from pastor’s wives (and I’m finding the same to be true of chaplain wives); I’m not quite sure why. I guess because they fear what they don’t know about us as a person, but even so it can be very painful…much like it feels when our husband’s deploy.
Today I am stronger because of it. I know what it means to lean on the Lord when people let you down. I also know how to keep expectations and reality closer aligned.
I appreciate this post because it helps others to feel “I’m not alone” in this matter. We as military spouses, whether reserve or active, are encouraged when we know our feelings are normal. Just knowing that can see us through a lot of disappointments this road may bring our way. Thank you for your honesty and transparency!
Laura
I read your post and I can appreciate what you had to say.
Sometimes when we go through seasons of life, people don’t know how to reach out exactly with what we need or expect. I’m sure if you say you were as close as you were, your friends did love you and tried but didn’t know exactly what to do or say. I would encourage you to reach back to those friends and give them a second chance.
I know in my life, there have been hard seasons and friends didn’t know exactly how to love me the way I needed or expected, but I had to give them the benefit of the doubt that they did still love me. Other friends and new friends did step in, but that didn’t mean I let go of the old friends. And surprisingly, the old friends stuck through the seasons even though the new friends did take a valued role in my life.
Make new friends but keep the old, one is silver and the other is gold.
Not everyone knows how to respond when someone goes overseas to war. It is hard to know what to say and what to do – but love should cover that despite the circumstances.
I luckily had a few friends that were Military Wives and they really talked me through in tough times. But my Civilian friends, I think, just were maybe scared of calling and having me “breakdown” on them. Most of them backed away or just never brought it up (the fact that my hubby was deployed). Some of my friends whose hubbies had gotten out of the military stated that they just didn’t relate any longer (we had a discussion about it). Whatever goes on during deployment, I think it does have an impact of some sort on friendships.
Thank you for that post, Sara! Unfortunately, I am facing this now. As my husband and I are preparing for our first deployment (and as you know, there are so many things that have to be done, as well as just spending precious time together), our friends are not so understanding. They think that we have neglected them and they can't understand why/how we're so busy. It is very hard, but I too am realizing what true friends I have at this time in my life.