A military marriage isn’t easy. Fluctuating schedules, fluctuating priorities; changing goals, changing locations; time together, time apart, time trying to establish what was before.
It’s tough to find a balance some days when you’re married and in the military. And it can be easy sometimes to want to look over the proverbial fence to someone else’s life and wish for theirs.
I spent quite a bit of time this year counseling military wives dealing with troubled marriages. Some were struggling with issues of PTSD; others with infidelity. Still others were just having problems with communication. More than one wife blamed the military for it all.
My husband and I will celebrate 12 years of marriage this year. We have a great marriage but it hasn’t been without its trials. Some years have been wonderful; others have brought a lot of challenge. And any additional pressures or problems brought on by my husband’s military service really didn’t appear until a couple of years ago.
Having a strong marriage has nothing to do with the military. Let me repeat that – having a strong marriage has NOTHING to do with the military. It has to do with you and it has to do with your husband. Marriage requires commitment, trust, love and communication and if you have those four building blocks, you can get through anything, no matter what your husband’s occupation is.
Ephesians 5:33 offers some good advice: “However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.”
I would venture to say it is harder for the wife to show respect than for the husband to show love. Because as a woman, we generally have an opinion on pretty much everything! And that includes our husbands, and what they do, how they do it, when they do it, why they do it… And when they don’t do something the way WE think they should, we get frustrated. We get testy. We get bossy and nagging and sometimes just downright mean! We definitely aren’t content.
Now, the husband also has a responsibility as well to show love to his wife. But I’m not writing to the husbands today. I’m writing to the wives. Because ultimately we have no control over what, how, why, when, our husbands do anything! But we do have control over our own actions, our own behavior, and our own attitudes.
I’ve been taking a survey on military marriages for the last three months and have gotten over 250 responses so far. Most of those are from military wives, but I have received a few from husbands. Those especially have been revealing.
Here’s one man’s responses to the survey questions:
What is the hardest thing you and your spouse struggle with in your marriage?
“Lack of respect – my wife criticizes nonstop.”
How well do you and your spouse communicate? What do you wish was different?
“I wish we got along better. Commo is awful – always contentious, critical, contrary, and full of contempt.”
When it comes to your marriage, what is your greatest hope? Why?
“That she will accept me, love me, respect me and be my friend not my enemy.”
I wonder how many wives reading this can put themselves in that husband’s wife’s shoes? I know there have been times when I’ve been too critical of my husband, showing more grumpiness than gratefulness, more moodiness than love.
What would happen if we spent less time wishing our husbands could change, and more time focused on changing our own flaws within? This past year before my husband left for a 3-month TDY, I started doing the Love Dare, unbeknownst to him. Each day I had to show him love in different ways. By the end of that first week, I was amazed – not at my response, but at HIS response to me just by doing those simple little acts of love, actions that displayed selflessness and gratitude for him being in my life.
Now, let me go ahead and say: if your husband is suffering from PTSD symptoms or physically or emotionally abusing you, it is not enough for you to think you can try to change yourself and he will change. You need to find help for both you and him and an easy way to do that is to call Military OneSource (1-800-342-9647) and remove yourself from the situation if you are in physical danger. God can certainly heal marriages that find themselves facing these kinds of circumstances, I’ve seen cases of it this year, but there is a process that needs to happen and you cannot do it by yourself.
As wives, we have enormous influence on our husbands and our families. We are the thermometer of our marriages; the question, though, is whether the temperature we establish is a pleasant and enjoyable one, or an icy or sweltering one that brings only discomfort and frustration. The only way we can truly have that positive influence is by keeping our own relationship with God solid – bringing Him our frustrations and our selfish desires and asking Him to help us share His love with our husbands and our families.
What are ways you can show your husband respect, regardless of how you wish he would reciprocate?
Cross-posted at Wives of Faith.
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I have never been a military wife. However, I did work with a number of them overseas at a base in northern Italy both before and after we got into the wars in Afghanistan and Iraq. I thought they had a challenging enough time of it under the best of circumstances–and I admired how well so many of them managed to keep the home fires burning while the military partner was deployed. I supposed it was because I had seen how hard it was anyway, combined with the fact I was old enough to have lived through the Vietnam era, that I was concerned about trying to help partners cope with a spouse who’d developed PTSD after being in the war zone. If this describes you or someone you know, please tell them about “The Post-Traumatic stress Disorder Relationship: How to Support Your Partner and Keep Your Relationship Healthy.” By the way, the “Library Journal” labeled it one of the “BEST BOOKS OF 2009″ so hopefully, more people will ultimately be helped by it than would have been otherwise. Also, my best wishes go out to all of you since so many are unaware of the challenges you face and the true sacrifices you and your children make. God Bless You!
Beautifully said. I once read The Power of a Praying Wife thinking I could “change” him…little did I realize the importance of changing MYSELF! I have been wanting to get The Love Dare for a while just to spice things up a bit! Your perspective is so refreshing and I’m glad that you’ve shared with us. My husband and I have also had our ups and downs, but overall have been blessed with a wonderful marriage. I am oftentimes reminded of the scripture that talks about the thief coming to steal and destroy. I am not sure of the context of this scripture, but I’ve always had my marriage in mind when I think about it. I’m usually “on guard” looking out for things in our lives that could get a foothold on our marriage and steal and destroy what God has intended for us to live out. I strongly believe that we need to live in such a way that we protect our marriages through praying together, reading scripture together as well as all of those little things that make a big difference. It’s not easy being married, but my husband is a true luxury of mine that I hold very dear!
Sara,
I just wanted to let you and your readers who are Army families know about the Strong Bonds program. It is staffed by Chaplains/Assistants and is a weekend marriage retreat. I highly recommend attending one. I learned a useful communication technique and have been married to my Army husband for 22 years who is also a chaplain.:) The military pays for the room at a nice hotel nearby, travel and food for active duty and reservists. Check with your unit chaplain for information. The sessions also include discussion groups which I found extremely helpful. Melissa
Yes, like Melissa said… There are on-going retreats with the “Strong Bonds” program. In fact my chaplain/husband and I are taking two groups this month. Seek these out if you are US Army and need a great weekend away that will bless your marraige and comunication. Also, I love the statement that the military has nothing to do with your marraige being healthy and happy… indeed, our marraiges are ordained and need be protected and nourished.