A couple of weekends ago I had the opportunity to represent Wives of Faith at a table for one of the pre-deployment briefings the 278th held for their families. This is the largest National Guard unit in Tennessee (3000 or so) and for many it’s their second deployment in four years.
It was a privilege and a pleasure to get to talk with several wives and I got to encourage a few of them who got a little teary. I was in their same shoes two years ago and my heart still skips a bit when thinking back to that time. It’s not an experience you ever forget, preparing to say goodbye to your husband for a year.
A recent USA Today article highlights the current woes many of our military families and couples are experiencing with prolonged and multiple deployments.
Look at some of these statistics:
The Pentagon says divorce rates among enlisted soldiers and Marines increased to about 4% in 2008, a full percentage point jump from when the Iraq war began. The civilian rate is 3.5%, according to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention.
Researchers tracking 226 Army marriages at Fort Campbell, Ky., last year, found that 6% ended in divorce and that nearly 12% of the couples either became divorced or separated, according to results provided to USA TODAY.
Troops in combat who worry their marriages might be failing rose from one in four in 2005 to one in three in 2007, according to an Army study published last year that examined mental health issues plaguing combat troops. More than 250,000 active-duty soldiers are married.
These stats probably don’t come as a real surprise to military families. The hardships are definitely real. But the question remains: how do we keep our marriages strong? How do we cope with deployment-driven cycles and seasons which currently serve as the gear that turns the wheel of life as we know it?
I don’t think you can if you don’t have a deep faith and belief in God. And if you have that, you still can’t unless you have a deep faith and belief in your marriage. Any number of little cracks can weaken the capstone of our relationship – stress, miscommunication, mistrust, mistakes and regret.
My own marriage is going to be tested in the coming months and years, I know. Cliff is probably going to start signing on for many more Navy schools which will mean months at a time of being away, all in the year leading up to our next deployment.
I’m going to be exploring this issue in more depth over the coming months and I’d like your help with it. Let me know what are some of the issues that you deal with when it comes to your military marriage. What are the struggles? What are the problems? What do you wish you could wave a magic wand and undo or make better?
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{ 3 comments… read them below or add one }
Dear Sarah and all military wives,
Where does one begin to describe their struggle as a military wife, and how do you keep your marriage strong? Army, Air Force, Marines, Navy, Reserves…
My name is Vanessa Walls and I am an Army wife. My husband and I are currently going through our 2nd year long deployment to Afghanistan. We do not have children yet because of circumstances, and that he gets deployed or TDY’d. Praise God, I got to see him for two weeks before I had to send him off again to the war. Prior to that we’d not seen each other for 7 months due to a PCS, and deployment orders soon following. I currently reside in NE Tennessee with my in laws- I consider myself fortunate. It is not always easy though since I am from southern CA.
The question I am always asked- “How do you do it? How do you manage it?”
Well, there is no “magic wand”- but one thing I do have- a relationship with God through His Son Jesus Christ. THIS DOES NOT MEAN THAT THIS LIFE I LEAD IS EASY, OR THAT I DON’T HURT WHEN MY HUSBAND IS GONE. It just means that I as weary as I get, as much as my heart aches, and though I have cried myself to sleep and feel like I am in a fog the next day, I get through these difficult times by taliking with God (prayer), and recognizing that God has a greater purpose in life for myself and my husband.
I get tired, overwhelmed, and mentally as well as emotionally exhausted. Just because you don’t feel strong, does not mean that you are not strong. Sometimes being “tough”, or “strong” just means you’ve learned when you need to let yourself cry, or that you’ve had too much for the day, or that you are over it.
Ladies, sometimes if all you can do for that day is the bare minimum (believe me-I’ve been there) then do not beat yourselves up about it. We lead difficult lives! I’ve learned to just take one day at a time, and if that is too much, then take half the day, or hour, or just minute by minute. When you can’t run, walk, if you can’t walk, crawl, if you can’t crawl…God will carry you. He is faithful. I do not believe I could have gotten through the last 6 years of marriage (from military to civilian, to military again) if I did not have God to lean on. There are times that I so deeply needed my husband, but he was so caught up with the Army, I definitely had to lean on God. A lot of times Army wives refer to the military as “the other woman”. I figure most of you understand the feeling.
Anyway, did not mean to go on a rant. I stumbled across this website while doing some research, and thought I might encourage all of you.
God bless you,
Vanessa
Hi Vanessa! So glad you commented! God is definitely our provider and our protector, isn’t He? Especially in our military marriages. Thanks for stopping by and I hope you’ll come back again soon!
Dear Sarah,
Thank you for your kind words. To be frank, I don’t really know where to begin. Truthfully speaking I don’t know how to explain everything about the last two weeks without sounding totally crazy. I have really prayed and asked God for guidance in regards to this situation, and I’ve just joined WIves of Faith. I would like to write you more, but my right hand and wrist are so painfully sore (and blogging yesterday did not help
) from this past Saturday. You see, I went to the home of my husband’s aunt and uncle, they had a batting cage, never tried it, had so much fun I got carried away using a metal bat with no batting gloves! I felt like one of those cartoon characters in those old cartoons everytime I managed to hit the ball with the bat. Well, I am still painfully sore from the experience. If you are willing, please contact me at (XXX) XXX-XXXX. I will understand if you are too busy, or choose not to.
Best Regards,
Vanessa Walls
(Edited for OPSEC: Please do not post your personal info. We want to keep our military wives safe!
Vanessa, I’ve made a note of your phone number and will try and give you a call soon. God bless. Sara)